Painful and Constant Reminder
October 12th, 2007 at 9:15 pmEmotional plea by a Jewish youth in Lebanon, previously published by JOL.org. Let us arouse the conscience of the entire world…
I am sitting a few minutes walking distance from the Maghen Abraham [Synagogue in Beirut], writing this letter, but frankly I am at a loss for words. I am not sure what to say, or for that matter what to feel. The past few years have been a monumental struggle for me, a struggle for finding my identity, my roots, my past. My struggle might be unique in its details, but at its core it is all too common.
Perhaps you will not understand the feelings I am trying to convey. Perhaps words cannot do justice to these feelings to begin with. These feelings are better kept in one’s heart, but I have decided to attempt to at least give you a sense of the struggle that rages in me, even today, when I can safely say that I feel confident about my belonging and identity.
It pains me that I have not had the chance to experience the life that some of you in the audience might have experienced in the past in Lebanon. It pains me immensely that I have to pass by the Maghen Abraham every day without being able to enter, if only to view the destruction, to say a prayer (even though I do not know how to say prayers), to stand there and imagine and visualize what the 1940s, 50s, 60s were like. It pains me that some of you, in the audience, wish to deny that I - a Lebanese Jew - exist. That my family and friends exist. It pains me immensely that I have to keep my identity hidden in my own country, but also that I have to prove my Jewishness to you, my fellow Jews, my fellow countrymen and women. I do not consider myself or my family more Lebanese than you the Lebanese Jews in the audience, just because my family chose to stay in Lebanon. No, I do not espouse such elitist views, nor do I wish to impose labels on you. It is up to every individual to define and exert his or her identity based on his or her experiences and feelings. I might not know how to pray, and I might not have had the chance to go to shul / knis, but I am a product of the context and situation I was born into. I might not sound convincing, and I might not impress you with my words, but I seek neither to convince nor impress. And if it matters, I am writing this with tears in my eyes.
If you wish, you may choose to believe that I am not Jewish. You may choose to believe I am not Lebanese. You may choose to believe that I am your enemy in disguise. Go ahead and do it. But I ask you, if I am all these, so what? Is the wish to spread awareness and battle anti-Semitism, the wish to see renovated rather than destroyed Synagogues, the wish to see cemeteries taken care of, the wish to see a Jewish community living openly and being looked at as equals, an act of enmity? If all this is enmity, then I wonder, what does friendship look like? And if you would like, consider me an enemy - I have no objections, as long as you pay attention to these wishes, as long as you listen to those who have been able to reap your trust.
I have this much to say, and no more. I do not believe in throwing fancy words around, words that are void of real feelings and only scratch the surface of the struggle. I believe in expressing honest feelings, the reality of the struggle, the immense pain in my heart. The depth of this issue, its importance for me and my family, necessitate not an amalgamation of fancy words, but a reference to a set of realities that need to be addressed. In the end, I am but one person, ignore me if you will, but do not ignore the question, the issue, the problem, the “non-existent” Jewish community in Lebanon, or whatever else you want to call us.
Maghen Abraham is the symbol of our community. Every day I pass by it, I cannot help but assure myself that it will be the symbol of our renaissance. I wrote my thoughts and feelings in this letter as they came along, but I knew its conclusion from the very beginning. I cannot afford not to know it. For you, it might not be a reality you live with every day, but we are not blessed with that luxury. So I say, let the elderly revel in the nostalgia, but at least give our youth a chance to live it.
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Rabid Smurf Said,
October 30, 2007 @ 11:27 am
Take it from someone who has denied religion a long time ago and has secretly proclaimed Atheism for many different reasons, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT to exist, to prosper and to shine. The jewish presence as a community is a valuable asset, and a strong humanitarian stand by itself. The very presence of this community alongside other minorities means NO to ethnic cleansing, NO to being “dhimmi’s” and NO to an alteration of our identity, something which arabs have been attempting to accomplish ever since Islam was established (please do not take this as racism, I’m stating facts). Jews, Christians of all sects, Zoroastrians or mere atheists have the right to claim headlines, go on public and say I AM THIS, and I am proud.
I wish I could say I’d like to meet with you, shake your hand and be a friend, but even that might seem dangerous to you, since you are revealing your identity, thus exposing yourself to a vulnerable position. A sad situation which I understand and which I strongly oppose, and hope to work against.
I sincerely hope, that both you & I (trust me being an atheist is as much of a sin as being a Jew in the eyes of blind religious zealots of all sects in Lebanon), would find ourselves one day able to procalim our beliefs without any fear or tremor.
Cheers, and take care.
By the way, I pass by Maghen Abraham syangogue on a daily basis on my way to work, nothing of importance, just a quick fact I thought I should mention
Hoda Said,
November 4, 2007 @ 10:17 am
hello there
I read your ‘letter’, and all I think of is that you’re a Lebanese who deserves to practise his religious belief on his land without having to be outcasted or denied of his right, just like the rest of us. i do wonder how you feel about Israel, like do you support zionism? and what is your perspective during lebanese-israeli wars? are you shattered somewhere in the middle? - i am glad i am not in your shoes- yet we all have our own struggles, and beliefs that are viewed as sins, just like what the guy above said, I too have doubts about religion and am becoming more of an atheist, but i cannot do that in the family, the society and the country i am in.
at the end, i just wanna tell you that you are free in the midst of this prison you live in, just hold on to your beliefs and convictions, no one can ever take that from you.
youssef Said,
December 10, 2007 @ 3:18 am
Im in a shock to know that some lebaneese people had to change their name,hide their idintity in order to live!!!!!!!.
Is this realllllll.
and dont u speak up?
Jackie E Said,
June 17, 2008 @ 5:34 am
I am appalled as a person at someones statement, as a person and lebanese muslim I find it offensive how u can pass your rascist statement as non rascist and as if its all ok going smoothly!!!
to the person who wrote under Painful and constant reminder, I can feel your pain……….I know your suffering is beyond any sufferings because you had to hide your identity. Some people are lost as to what they are “like myself”
You should be proud, all lebanese no matter what your religion is, must stand beside the Lebanese jews so that they no longer will feel the need to hide their identity! If I lived in Lebanon in Beirut I would of walked with you to the Synagogue and I would of also prayed in it because as a muslim I was taught that we could pray in the houses of god!!!
After every struggle there is relief!!!